Lucy's Story
I didnt know I was being abused or that I was abusive. - I didnt know that i had a problem or that anyone could do anything about it

Working on this project made me aware of what goes on out there, it wasn’t really a surprise but I still felt quite down afterwards.

Zoe Fannin

I’m over the top now about the way I am treated in a relationship. I’ll say, “You can’t talk to me like that – rephrase that”. Or “was that your way of asking me to do something?” I’m a proper pain.

But I made up my mind when I left my last relationship that I would say whatever I liked to whoever I liked from now on. Because of the hidings I got for opening my mouth, I’ve come back with a vengeance. No man will ever push me around. It’s not negotiable. It’s almost to the point where I’ve got to be the boss. And with my husband coming out of jail, having missed 12 years of his life, I’ve been put in the position of having to be the boss.

My third son’s marriage broke up and his wife shifted in here with the baby. He’d had a wicked P habit for a couple of years and was on the verge of dying when he found out his eldest brother had been killed in the plane crash. By the grace of God he pulled out. He’s fine young man and has now built his own business.

I’d just got through with him coming off P when Clive got out of jail. He hated my guts because I’d accused him of using P. He hadn’t used it, but he’d sold it. After that I didn’t see him for a couple of years – and then I got a phone call to say he was dying. He was only 27 and he had cancer in all his organs. My husband did four tours in Vietnam, and quite a few of the kids of men who went to Vietnam have aggressive cancers. Another of my sons was born with six fingers and six toes – that is directly attributed to Agent Orange, and I believe Clive’s cancer was too.

I decided I was going to care for this boy who hated me, so he shifted in here. He died in my arms and he died lovingly. I believe God sent him back to me to take care of him for us both to be at peace before he died. He asked for forgiveness before he died, and he acknowledged God.

I am back working with youth now. I’ve got nothing on paper, but I know the job inside out, back to front because of what was done to me and what was done to my boys and the effect it had on them. They saw so much violence and evil and bad stuff – and it was all through my bad choices.

I didn’t abuse my children in the way my mother abused me, but I abused them in other ways by the things they saw, by how hard they had to work, by the way I exposed them to violent men.

And I’m so sorry. I don’t cry about it any more. I’m working my way through it by working with youth because I am so aware that any one of the boys in those groups could be my boy.

Holding hands